Old eMail

Have you experienced reading an old email from an ex when you were still in love with each other? But because of too much pain they've caused you, you just don't want to feel anything. The words that make your heart flutter once are replaced by heavy feelings. It's like the more you read it, the more numb you want to be and the little voice inside you is telling you, “lies..”. You read each word but it just passed through your eye, leaving you feeling hollow. It can't make you cry regardless of how many you've read. Rejecting the mix of emotions it's sending you.

Then you read your last exchange of argument, suddenly you felt hatred. But you ignore it because it only means you're still allowing the person to hurt you again and you can't let it happen. You stopped reading and stared blankly at the floor but your mind opened a series of tabs from your old memories, trying to delete it. Double checking that it doesn't leave any imprint. Then you asked yourself again the unending question “What did I do to deserve such pain? Still, you can't trace any reason so you somehow give him the benefit of the doubt, that probably it was your fault and not his……then you chuckled. You realize you still want to be fair to him even if he's always been unfair to you. Somehow, you still want to paint a good image of him amidst all the bad memories he has given you. If it wasn't love, then what was it?

I deleted the emails, and left.