The most difficult thing in a break up is not when you separate ways but when you're questioned about your feelings, that is if you really loved the other person. Yes, he questioned my feelings. He questioned why I ignored the red flags. He questioned why I couldn't trust him.
But he didn't see how I became crazy for him. He didn't see that I ignored my standards and rules for him. He didn't see my pain just to be with him. He didn't see that I only wanted the best for him.
He thinks there's nothing loveable about himself, yes, there's nothing, so how and where can I find the reason to explain why I loved him. All I know is he makes me happy and I will always choose him even against our misunderstandings, arguments, trials and even against myself. I loved him without asking him anything in return.
I chose him even if it means hurting myself, that's how much I've loved him and that was the sad and worst part of it. I'm always willing to forgive even if he never apologizes, even if he always has doubts in me, even if he has never been completely honest, even if he always says bad things to hurt me, even if obviously he only loves himself.
He said he loves me and it made me happy a lot of times, but now I don't know what part of his love is real. He told me he loved me but he replaced me right away. He told me he loved me but went back to her immediately after a bad fight. Was I wrong that I held onto his words?? He made me believe in lies, in something that never existed, for his own good.
I accepted him not just once but a lot of times, he always tries to pull me back in when I'm on the brink of letting him go. He's good at convincing me that it was me that he needed. But in the end, he twisted the story and said it was me who kept coming back to him to ruin his life. How can he deny everything even if he knows the real truth? Am I that really bad in his eyes? Am I worthy of all this pain?
He played with my emotions.
He played with my mind.
He never loved me.
He never needed me.
He fooled me.
I know it was also my fault that I gave him a chance again, but I believed in him when I thought I couldn't trust him anymore, out of love.
I want to move on and forget him again. His memory doesn't deserve a spot in my mind and in my heart because I regret everything that happened between us now more than ever and I hope it's as easy as waking up one day and it's all gone. I want to forget his face, his name, his voice – everything. If I could only hit my head hard against the wall without killing myself to forget him, I would. If I could take my heart out and remove the part where he resides, I would.
I don't have anyone to tell that I'm struggling, not a friend or family because I'm ashamed of the situation where I put myself into. But I believe he will be running back to her and even to his so-called friends to convince him I'm the bad person in the situation because they benefit much from him.
But I have Jesus, I believe that what happened was meant to happen to expose his wrongdoings. I may be in pain for now but this won't last a lifetime. His love will comfort and give me strength everyday to carry on the hard and difficult days. Again, I have Jesus and all will be fine.
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