Nevvie, The Aussie

"The One", the idea I had in mind after knowing the person who ticked all the boxes of my standards, his username was Nevvie (not his real name). I met him back in 2022 on an online Christian dating site. I was ahead of him so I can say that he was a first timer in the chatroom. He wasn't chatty but he would speak his mind occasionally and people find him rude and negative sometimes. However he's nice to me so I treated him just the same.

One time, I assume he checked my profile because he asked me about this preacher that I posted in my profile and interestingly, he liked him too - it was the start of it all. We started talking in the chatroom every time he visits, and I appreciate his kindness to me often. He slowly opened up about his past relationship, not very detailed, but I guess enough to point out that it wasn't an easy break up. I remember he didn't have any photo. When he finally did, he put up someone's face and it looked funny and awful but I got used to it to the point where I told him don't take the photo off, regardless of what people say. 

One morning, I opened my private messages and was surprised to see that I received a message from him - it was like a novel. I wonder why he sent one since he said he doesn't like to send messages to women in the chatroom but I understand his reasoning and it's acceptable and practical. I replied and it went on and on - we started sending messages back and forth everyday like for months. 

We started building a good bond. We talked about almost anything and I started liking him as a person because he showed the other side of his character which I think he didn't show in the chatroom. He was caring and sweet unlike the rude one they saw. He thinks sensibly and we have the same ideas of family and relationship and most importantly same religious beliefs. Honestly, I think he's an intelligent man, I won't mind listening to his fair share of stories, thoughts, ideas, reasoning or even when he expresses his disappointment of being single.

Then one day, he missed to reply and I wondered why but after a day or two he replied and I felt relieved and excited at the same time. It went on like that, I started thinking maybe he met someone and much to my surprise, he told me about her. I found out he joined a certain dating site and tried to get to know some prospects. I felt a pinch inside of me, but I know to myself I'm not entitled to feel that because we're just friends. I tried to think sensibly and not let my emotions take over me, because I don't like to feel jealousy but rather I should be happy that he's starting to meet someone to date finally. Yes, I like him but I'm not selfish, I know what fantasy and reality looks like.

He found the person he mostly feels attached to and he shared little information about her, probably because he considered me as a friend. I wasn't ready - my heart sank in a thousand possible ways I couldn't explain. She seems perfect for him and I can feel the joy in his words of how much he cherished and adored her - more likely the same joy I have whenever I talked about him with my friend.

Just after a few weeks, he told me they met in-person and were already in a relationship. He told me he was looking for a new house for them. It's not like they're going to live together but he expressed before that he's ready to settle down, get married and have a family, considering his age. I support him fully because I feel the same. I realized things in his life seem to have played fast forward, while I still find it hard to process my feelings.

My every night prayer changed, this time it's always filled with weeping and aching, telling God to make me understand and accept what's happening. Telling Him to take away the pain and take him away in my life. I know it will devastate the very inner side of me to lose him, but I can bear it more than having him in my life and feel things that I shouldn't feel like jealousy instead of happiness for his sake because I know he deserves it.

Then came a day, I told him I'm cutting our connections because I think it's not right that we're talking because he's in a relationship. Personally as a woman (regardless if it's him or not), I find it disrespectful if I'm in a relationship and my other half is talking to someone else, not just me. I think it opens doors to infidelity – he didn't like the idea but I went on with it.

Additionally, there's something called the “Billy Graham Rule”, and I quote, it's “a personal boundary he (Billy) established in 1948 to avoid being alone with women other than his wife, Ruth, to prevent temptation and maintain his integrity”. Our conversation is just online, but I think I should apply what is morally correct. 

I know there's something wrong with me, I'm pretending I'm okay and that I made the right decision. But I can't lie to myself, there are days that I'm breaking and I can't show anyone what I'm feeling, my family might think I'm a fool. I'm also not the type who's comfortable with showing my emotions. I only cry when I feel alone and that was midnight. The weirdest is when I'm washing plates and the worst is when I purposely go to the bathroom just to let it all out. His memories linger - stories, words, goofiness, advice, all about him.

I deleted my profile and made another one, the stupid side of me would occasionally check his profile to know if he's still a member. The days seem slow, I want it to pass by as fast as it can. I want to get over my feelings and move on like he's doing, but it's not really easy until I found out he deleted his profile already – I realised I lost him completely. I started thinking “what if's”, “maybe”, “I should've”.

>What if I didn't cut our connection and deleted my profile and just remained friends with him and endured the pain as long as I knew he's there?

> Maybe it was best that I tried confessing my feelings like my friend suggested, regardless of how he will react at least he knows and then maybe he would understand why I have to let go?

>I should've just let things as it is and let God control everything, not let my emotions control me.

I prayed to God to help me, heal me, fix me, and be able to move forward cos after all, it's not the end. Although some people in the chatroom said he probably liked me because of how he treated me. Well, I don't know. Maybe, I guess, but it's not enough to date and marry me. I refused to think that maybe if I'm a better version of myself then maybe he would've pursued me. I know I will never be perfect but it doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. It doesn't mean I'm unlovable or undesirable, it's just that he didn't like me and it's normal. I'm not the first and only person who wasn't liked by the person she admires.

I asked God to make him happy even if the reason for his happiness was not me and never will be. I prayed that everything works for them through ups and downs and that he becomes a good husband and a father in the future. I prayed that she loves him too, that she doesn't give up on him, most when he seems unbearable - because they say marriage is a lot of work.

Months passed, my pain turned into joy. Indeed, God is faithful and prayer works. Of course, I still remember him and I know I will always remember him but the pain is gone. He was “the one” not “the one that got away” because he was never mine in the first place and the feelings weren't mutual to begin with. He will always have that special place in my heart. Sometimes when I pray at night and I remember him, I utter a simple prayer. I believe it's God's way of telling me that he might be needing some prayers to make it through whatever he's dealing with in life.

I thanked the Lord that I met Nevvie. I thanked the Lord that He was by my side all those days when I felt so low and broken. The Lord was my strength and my guidance all throughout that journey, it wasn't easy but bearable because He was with me. I focused on serving Him and spending time with my fellow church mates and before I knew it, I'm already healed.