CLANDESTINE OUTLET

Have you experienced reading an old email from an ex when you were still in love with each other? But because of too much pain they've caused you, you just don't want to feel anything. The words that make your heart flutter once are replaced by heavy feelings. It's like the more you read it, the more numb you want to be and the little voice inside you is telling you, “lies..”. You read each word but it just passed through your eye, leaving you feeling hollow. It can't make you cry regardless of how many you've read. Rejecting the mix of emotions it's sending you. Then you read your last exchange of argument, suddenly you felt hatred. But you ignore it because it only means you're still allowing the person to hurt you again and you can't let it happen. You stopped reading and stared blankly at the floor but your mind opened a series of tabs from your old memories, trying to delete it. Double checking that it doesn't leave any imprint. Then you asked ...

The most difficult thing in a break up is not when you separate ways but when you're questioned about your feelings, that is if you really loved the other person. Yes, he questioned my feelings. He questioned why I ignored the red flags. He questioned why I couldn't trust him.  But he didn't see how I became crazy for him. He didn't see that I ignored my standards and rules for him. He didn't see my pain just to be with him. He didn't see that I only wanted the best for him.  He thinks there's nothing loveable about himself, yes, there's nothing, so how and where can I find the reason to explain why I loved him. All I know is he makes me happy and I will always choose him even against our misunderstandings, arguments, trials and even against myself. I loved him without asking him anything in return.  I chose him even if it means hurting myself, that's how much I've loved him and that was the sad and worst part of it. I'm always willing to fo...

 Some people just won't change just when you think they did or just because years have already passed and it's sad. More often, we believe that our past experiences, regardless if it's bad or good, somehow mold us to become the better version of ourselves in the future, because we learned something from it. More importantly we should understand that God orchestrates everything that happens in our life for His own glory.  They say experience makes us grow, but I come to understand that you'll only grow if you'll allow yourself to. Some just want to be stuck in a certain moment in his life because they're afraid to step into new opportunities, relationships, or chances. In short they're afraid to take risks and get out of their comfort zone to experience a better future. They'd rather embrace negativity because they're afraid that if they have high hopes and fail then it's difficult to stand again - sounds awful. I've never lived a perfect lif...